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pRESIDENT SIR BUSH

Bush in blistering attack

Presidential supervisor Karla Rove escorted Mr. Bush out of the residential buntianker yesterday for a brief press conference held inside the presidel plastic bubble on the White House lawn. The President then delivered a blistering attack on just released report by a 20-member panel of the National Academies, decrying America’s loss of scientific superiority in the world.

“I’m really blistering,” said Mr. Bush. “That’s why I’m not back on the ranch on my bike.”

At this point presidential supervisor Karla Rove stuck a gloved fist down the president’s throat, apparently to stop a spasm that was preventing the president from proceeding. After a brief scuffle on the bubble floor, Rove brought the president to his feet, dusted him off and let him continue.

“Just who are these 20 unAmericans? Just because they got their names on books and discoveries and things like the Noblest Prizes, what makes them think they can speak about what’s wrong with America? Why they interfering with my war against terrorism and blazing the way for democracy any time it gets in my way? Now just look at the kind of evidence they presenting: Says here more than 600,000 Chinese graduated from institutions of higher education last year, and us only 70,000. How did they go out an count 600,000 Chinese, especially the higher educated ones, who know how to lie anyway? Why, Laura and me can’t keep straight the two or three that brings us take out on the ranch. They all look alike, you know, so they must be making this figure up. These guys then say—and so what? the Chinese are building 50 chemical plants and the US only one? You can bet all those plants manufacturing contraceptual pills, like from Column A and Column B, just like it says in them take out menus. And let me tell you another thing: the Chinese don’t have a god and still worshiping ancestors. Now, I ain’t got nothing against ancestors, having some myself, and maybe I’ll be one someday myself, but when I told my mom Barbara she’s like an ancestor to me, Boy! did the shit hit the fan. And that’s all I want to say about ancestors and don’t ask me again.”
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Bush rushes to Pakistani

In a hastily called news conference, President Bush announced his rescue plans for Pakistan. Said Mr. Bush: “First of all, I am taking Air Farce Uno and flying to Pakistan where I hear the climate is not as hot as Washington, and where I can see first hand the damage to my loyal friend President Musharraf, my buddy Mushy who is in deep shit over there about some earth thing or whatever. So to help Mushy out with more billions, like I already gave him to hunt down and deliver to me personally, alive or dead, that Saudi fink bin there or whatever, but did he do it? Don’t ask.

So anyhow, I am now diverting all Gross Domestic Product funds for the next year to Pakistini quake relief. This will mean some belt tightening on this side of the fault line, particularly amongst those with big hands in the government pockets, so I am by executive order canceling all Food Stamp revenues and Medicaid reimbursements. We got to spread the suffering around, so let’s not hear any unpatriotic pro-terrorists complaints. Further additionally more, I have ordered the navy to turn back all relief ships headed for the port of New Orleans and redirect them to Karioki, or something, the capitol of that country over there. If the ships headed to New Orleans, and I hear they are coming from such well off nations as Togo, Chad, Sudan and Sir Leone, try to interfere with my Paki relief efforts, I have instructed the navy to blow the bastards out of the water. Let me tell you, the fight against terrorism goes on!”
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Bush announces new presidential award

In a press conference called in the presidential bunker under the White House Woes Garden lawn, President Sir Bush Mr. Sir President Bush President You Kiss My Ass Sir Bush announced a new presidential award. Said Sir Mr. President to the assembled reporter, all of whom had been stripped-searched and were standing more or less at attention, given the cold cement floor and such:
“This here new award is called the ‘One Hundred Percent Wrong Award.’ And I am as Sir President You Kiss My Ass Bush going to award it to those members of my ministration showing themselves most worthy. Now I invite all of you reporters hunkering out—and put your hands in your pockets!—there to give your voice as I nominate award winners.

So how about the award to the present, and I am proud to admit, my appointee to the President of the World Bank. You tell me if here is anyone who merits the ‘One Hundred Percent Wrong’ award, except maybe my recent appointee for Secretary of State. If there was ever a single tight haired tight assed academic human being who had not a single grasp on anything that was happening in the real world, why this person is it—and that is why she is getting my One Hundred Percent Wrong award tonight. And I am not talking about the thousand of people died because she didn’t read her own department memo about impending attacks. Come on, what do you expect for a lady who done time in the academic world? You think she knows anything about nasty people, like my Saudi friends, killing some way out New Yorkers? Come on, give her a break. After all, she went to New Orleans in cornrows, for god sakes!

It also gives me special pleasure to nominate those closer to home (no, not Ignora Bush! for God’s sake!), but my direst friend President for Vice Dickless Cheney. I want Dickless to have this award for being so totally one hundred percent wrong about everything, the award for being totally wrong about things that matter. Except course, his stets. Thank god Dickless has his lesbian daughter to carry him, no matter how dickless her father.

Tomorrow, if the bunker holds out, as my next Award nominee Runny Rumpfels has been reassuring me with his usual tough love and such, tomorrow night, on the wire service, I’ll tell you about other nominees for the Totally Wrong Awards.
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