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Vice Presidential News Conference
At a television interview, Vice President Dickidoo Cheney was asked why he created the unparalleled defense mechanism against all and any, even the most remotely possible, terrorist attack.
  Said Mr. Dickidoo: I was scared shitless. They wanted my money and I said Go fuck yourself.

Vice President in News Interview
In a rare personal appearance before the Washington press corpse, Vice President Dicked Cheney answered some very pointed questions. What follows is a transcript of the meeting.

Reporter: Mr. Dicked, the Iraq war is costing some $90 billion a month, of which some $20 billion is slated for your former firm Halliburton;. Would you like to comment on that?
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself.
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Dicked. It has been stated that it will take until the year 2095 for the Iraq police force to function efficiently. Would you like to comment on that?
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself.
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Dicked. Is the Administration contemplating an invasion of Syria or Togoland in the near future?
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself.
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Dicked. Would you like to comment on rumors that Karl Rove is a lesbian?
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself.
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Dicked. Incidentally, is it true that you yourself are a lesbian?
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself
Reporter: thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Dicked.
Mr. Dicked: Go fuck yourself.

Bush dispatches Cheney
President Bush, standing beside but as usual a little behind Vice President Dick Cheney, announced that he was dispatching Vice Dick to supervise the handling of the roughly 500,000 evacuees from New Orleans now spreading quickly throughout the country.
   Said the Vice Dick: “Like happens with any other spreading things, we have to take quick action lest the thing spreads in places where we don’t want it to spread, like into your own neighborhoods. And as you know, the Republican Party, of which I am a Republican, has been keeping these spreading things out of your neighborhoods and keeping them down into those areas, which we used to call cities but don’t refer to nowadays.
   So here’s the plan I am going to put into effect immediately I make contact with groups of these so-called refugees. Luckily for the Party, most of these people lived close to areas where there has been traditional traffic in getting people from one place to another, and mostly near seaports where ships to do the trade were available, usually with some law abiding, believing Christian at the helm, some sort of New England merchant running molasses for black asses, if I remember the rhyme correctly.
   So my plan, already in effect, is to set up in various locations blocks, simple things and asshole can nail together. So the whole thing’s not going to be a burden on you tax payers, sort of like a tax-relief based initiative. So to these places where the block are being even now set up, come invited people from our coalition of willing neighbors, the democratic princes of Saudi Arabia and Egypt and so forth. And in the kind of open democratic competitive bidding system I recently put in place to secure jobs for Halliburton, the princes and similar elk (and, if negotiations go smoothly, from our democratic ally China), we will have on the block these so-called evacuees, and with the money the government gets from the sales of these 500,000 or so we can easily afford to build up the barriers to hold back the sea threatening the South Carolina homes of my friends. And maybe the black bastards will get to know what hard labor is really like and not depend on government handouts any longer. I thing we have hit upon a good replacement for the exorbitant taxes our better off citizens pay. And I expect in the future that we will farm out the right to build such blocks to better off communities throughout the country. As I always say, God bless us and go fuck yourself if you don’t like it.

Speculation about the where abouts of Vice Dick intensify  
Under increased speculation about the where abouts of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, the Office of the President issued a news bulletin to the effect that speculation about the where abouts of the Vice President were undermining the war against terrorism.

    Said the bulletin: “The where abouts of the Vice Dick are well known to the administration and will be divulged at the appropriate moment. In the meantime, all loyal American should continue the war on terrorism at home and abroad. Vice Dick has done an admirable job of protecting American broads from terrorist attacks, feeling especially close to all broads because of his recent marriage to his lesbian daughter. The administration was also quick to counter rumors that Vice Dick and his daughter were honeymooning on the island of Lesbos, a well known hangout for lesbian terrorists.

Bush Gives High Praise To his nominee   
President Bush introduced his nominee John Robot with high praise, saying:
“I am nominating John for this here high post, whichever it might be, because he is a gentleman and you all know how much I favor gentlemen and their gentlemenly ways. Take my Vice Dick, for a good instant. He is as you might recall, Dick “Go fuck yourself, Senator” Cheney and he’ll be along any day now. And then there is my closest chum, Karla, who has after a lifelong effort finally gained the title his gentlemanly behavior deserves, Turd Blossom Rove. And then take my two gentlemanly daughters”—But then there came over the President that unique contortion of the facial muscles that the press has long identified as prelude to a presidential grin. “Well”, continued the impish president, “the Vice Dick has the gentlemanly daughter so all I can say about my two is that they are always gentlemanly except when sloshed to the ears and high on coke or something else like it”.


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