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congress & After

Trent Lott has a press conference to promote his memoirs

Former Washington Belt Way personality Trent Lott confessed at a press conference promoting his newly published Memoirs, “Memoirs of Niggar Lover,” that his name is not really Trent Lott.

“To tell the gospel truth, as I am joined to do,” said Mr. Lott, “My mammy actually named me “Niggar Hating Entrenched Lott, reflecting about which we were when we were hard scrabble simple white folk that other not white folk tried to remove us from our hard scrabble duplex, and mammy took a pistol to them because the federal nigger loving government was looking to set up some nigger settlements in our state, and give them education and such white folk things no niggar knew anything about, and flushing toilets, things like that.

So that was the start of my rise in politics until I come to represent the entire United States of America in its legislative side. But no matter how pressing my legislative duties was over the years, I always found the time to go down and really converse with my other niggar loving friends in lower Mississippi, especially my dear and departed friend, whatever his name is, and we sincerely resent people bringing up his running after black ass because you once start digging that kind of thing up you got the entire South and the Nixon strategy to account for. So he found some black pussy but so did Jefferson and every liberal thinks he’s someone you want to be in bed with. But don’t get me started on the same sex issue.

As I say, some niggars my best friends. And a niggar good enough for Jefferson, why not good enough for me? And how many you white boy reporters hassling me today on my book tour never had black pussy?

News Bulletin from the Office of Bill Frist, Doctor, Senate Leader and Demagogue

Bill Frist, Senate Leader, Doctor and Demagogue, announced today that after studying videos of the damage inflicted in Louisiana and Mississippi by Hurricane Katrina, the hurricane was without doubt intelligently designed.

“Moreover,” added Demagogue Doctor Leader Frist, “I have some drawings submitted by a class of six graders showing their entire school building demolished by the winds. An especially nice touch was the bodies of animals from a nearby petting zoo floating in the inundated school playground, with the children trying desperately to pull some survivors to safety. This is all incontrovertible evidence of intelligent design behind the hurricane, very similar, if I may remind skeptics, of the equally intelligently designed earthquake and subsequent tsunami last December that swept away or crushed under debris hundreds of thousands of people standing in their way. As with all such evidence for intelligent design in the universe, it is always the more honest course to err on the side of life, as intelligent design always does.”

Knut Grimbitch news conference

It was an unusually hushed crowd of reporters that waited for Knut Grimbitch’s first news conference since he announced his decision to undergo a vasectomy procedure.

Said Grimbitch: “Since I got me some legalized ass, I want to outfit myself for the continuing moral issues that we face in the U.S. Government. Like advising how the President gets himself out of the predicaments he got us into. Obviously, by stating the problem this way, I am in a good position to tell the President what deep shit he’s in and obviously he will have the good sense to listen to me telling him what he’s in to. Since we are on speaking terms, unlike some of his closer associates, to say nothing of that fag Karla, I can tell him that riding the bike with the seat on is wrong for a personality like his. He needs to take the seat off and settle down for a long ride. It gets the message in faster.

As for my own political career now, I think I am in a position to advise the President on such issues as fucking a bitch before it becomes your legal ass, this being a matter I was not able to fully exploit when exercising under the restricting rules of the Federal Government regulations about congress people letting on they have dirty secrets, as if we weren’t as dirty as the rest of the, but always having to say yes to Jesus and all that celibate shit.”

Congressional Medical Bulletin #3,458

Following fast upon the Supreme Court’s unanimous vote in support of his “Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act,” Senator Sam Brownback, Republican of Kansas, author of that bill, has now introduced in Congress his “Sperm Pain Awareness Act.” The act is expected to gain speedy approval in both Houses and has already been signed into action by President Bush, who has in the past repeatedly threatened to veto any anti-sperm legislation.

Brownback’s “Sperm Pain Awareness Act” states that “there is unequivocal evidence” in scientific literature as well as in sacred texts respected worldwide that male ejaculation causes “substantial” pain to innocent sperm, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of sperm.

The bill requires all women to administer anesthesia to all male sexual partners before intercourse in order to spare innocent sperm the pain that, say all sacred texts, comes with male ejaculation. The bill also stipulates that both sexual partners must submit photographic evidence that the male partner was in fact thoroughly sedated and profoundly anesthetized before and during intercourse. Mere historical record or evidence of a purely anecdotal nature attesting to male inertia, indifference, or stupefaction during intercourse will not be acceptable.

The full Senate and House easily turned aside a rider that would have excluded gay sexual intercourse from the bill’s provisions, saying that such provision would have inflicted an unwarranted financial burden on the pornography industry.

Senator Brownback in a news conference stated that these two bills are only the beginning of a series of legislation that will continue to provide Congress with the legal powers necessary to make binding determinations on a host of medical issues. “We’re taking a hard look at sex in general,” said the senator. “Too much is being left to biology and physiology and such and it’s time we got in there and started shaping things up for democracy and the American way, not just what some liberals have on their agenda, which is no way American enough for these times of terrorists attacks on our way of life.


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