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News Flash:
Impressive ceremony greets President, Mrs. Bush

An impressive ceremony on the White House lawn greeted President and then Mrs. Bush as their helicopter briefly touched ground for the President and then Mrs.Bush’s late afternoon visit to Washington. Said President and then Mrs. Bush of the impressive ceremony:

“This here’s an impressive ceremony. Impressive like the impressive ceremony we got when the helicopter took off from Texas a bit ago with me and then Mrs. Bush. And just the other day we had another impressive ceremony when I got on my bike in Texas and then fell off. We want to thank all the freedom loving American people for giving us these impressive ceremonies and we are darn sure they don’t do think this way in less freedom loving countries where terrorists don’t have the common decency to give impressive ceremonies no matter what. But fortunately for freedom loving Americans around the free world, there is still another impressive ceremony waiting to make the world safe for democracy and us when the helicopter takes off in a couple minutes to take us back to Texas after I and then Mrs. Bush collect the laundry and such.”

Washington, August 9, 1432

In an impressive ceremony in the White House Woes Garden, President George and Ignora Bush were the first signatures to the recently passed “Not My Kids” bill. As is well known, the bill rejects any stem cell research-based therapies to all and every offspring of bill signatures. In addition, the bills denies entry into the United States of any individual know to have had stem cell therapy, on the grounds that such individuals would present a threat to the moral ideals on which America was founded.

In explaining his support of and signing of the bill, Mr. Bush said, “If Jesus wants them crippled and dead, that’s Jesus’ business.”

Mr. Bush and Ignora were surrounded by an impressive gathering of wheelchair bound cripples and other defectives, all united in their praise of Mr. Bush and the larger plan of Jesus, on which he and Ignora expounded at length. The hot (150 degrees) Washington weather and the broiling sun threatened to curtail the ceremony, but on Mr. Bush’s order, the D.C. fire department was called in to turn their hoses on the gathering. The slight altercations that developed were efficiently suppressed by the president’s armed guard.

Mr. Bush took the occasion to plug for his announced cuts in federal funding for college and graduate language programs, citing evidence that schools teaching “speaking in tongues” had a much higher rate of success than the traditional elitist programs based on tedious exploration of foreign language structure, vocabulary, etc. Furthermore, Mr. Bush expostulated, language studies and language departments have been exposed as known sources of deviant behavior.

As a finale to this impressive event, Mr. Bush, with Ignora’s assistance, mixed his own spittle with mud supplied by the Secret Service, and ministered to various deaf mutes among the group. Unfortunately, the D.C. fire department hoses were too ubiquitous to allow reporters to witness the success rate of the applications.

The thunderous applause that concluded the ceremony testified to the physical fitness of Mr. Bush’s armed guard.


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