KARLA ROVE, ADVISOR
Bush in Surprise Announcement
In a surprise announcement, President Bush surprised everyone, including himself, by announcing he is appointing, effective immediately, his former political advisor Karla Rove as the new head of the Iraqi Security Force.
Said Mr. Bush to a surprised audience of reporters today: “I called Rove my brains, so now that I am sending him to Iraq I will be without brains, not that anyone will notice the difference. Why Rove? You might ask. Let me tell you I don’t want you to ask me that again. Rove has the best qualifications of anyone in the entire world for this job. Why, he even knows where Iraq is, more or less. When we had a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey session with the Cabinet—you remember my Cabinet? Peter, John, the Sons of Zebedee, Judas Carryalot and whoever, don’t ask me again—Rove came closest to locating Iraq, just to the left of Chad and Togoland. And not speaking the language will make sure he gets only objective information from his close associates, guys I am sending over with him to make sure he’s on the job.
And this is no plitical pointment, believe you sirree. Rove ain’t going to be riding around town in an armed escort. Why, right this minute he is at my exclusive ranch taking biking lessons from Lance Armstrong. You don’t have to ask who he is, do you? Everybody knows he won the Grand Prick award in some foreign country. Now, some of you opined that if anyone should get the Grand Prick award it should be yours truly, but I got wards enough already. Why just last night I heard the Pope, my friend Benny 15, announcing he’s sending over his new ward, The Triple Wows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience, and I’m the first sipiant. And, Boy, I can tell you, I’m glad he waited till I was born again for that one!
But back to my new Iraqi Security Police head Rove. He’s not going to sit it out in any Green Zone ivory tower with the rest of my Iraqi think tank. Fact is he’s gonna get out there and meet the people. And to make sure, I just gave instructions that every night on Badhdaddy TV we gonna print out his morning bike ride to the Security office, print it out in full, with those color lines that move to show where he is at any point in time, just so’s people can line up and cheer.
We got his helmet on order from the same people sending over those bullet proof vests for our gallant boys in the trenches and whatever wherever
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A Letter from The Heartland
Dear Mr. Rove,
We want to send you this letter of support and condolences in the hard times you must be having, what with finger pointing and all and people trying to stick it to you. Hold fast there, Mr. Rove, and you tell them where to put their fingers!
Now as the so-called catastrophe hitting some states below the belt (we still like to call the Mason-Dixon Line the belt down here), we want to thank you for all your efforts these years past to keep these people in the right perspective, like who the hell they think they are asking for schools and streets and lights that work? Let them get off their fat asses and get some government subsidies like Lockheed and Chrysler and Continental Airlines. And so what if their streets not safe from floods and such divinely inspired events? Why don’t they start believing in Jesus Christ and not set their hearts and mind on worldly thing? Things perfectly fine down here on the Carolina Islands where we all have our houses and know that the government poised to fly us out of here in a split if the waters rise so much of a quarter inch.
That’s what the election returns all about, sonny.
So we want to tell you that every night when we climb into be with our legal and socially approved other gender partner—or the dog, which we sometime prefer, but worry about these new anti-sodomy laws your new Supreme Court appointee is thinking on—well, every night we thank the Intelligent Designer (and we don’t mean that fag C. Klein, who also happens to be Jewish) that you are right there with the boy, propping him up and telling him that Jesus is the one, and where in the good book did Jesus every spend a fart on roads and schools and water supplies and light grids and such? What the hell’s going on in this country when government is supposed to put its mind on such things and get caught napping when the real terrorist strike—fags wanting to marry each other and perform unspeakable acts like cock sucking and ass fucking—OK, Mr. Rove, we know you are not personally acquainted with these terms, so we will send you, under plain brown wrapper, a description of these things, along with some illustrations my 10 year old drew for a born again church school project and got an A for his work, I’m proud to say.
So next time he happens to come by your office in the White House, just tell the boy he did a good job picking you. And tell him not to mind the stories circulating that he’s as dense as a pile of dog shit in winter. Never gets that cold in Crawford, anyway. (Top)
Bush names new cabinet level post
Surrounded by all the cabinet members whose names he could recall, Condo Rice and her hair, Supreme Court judges under 80, and the College of Cardinals, President Bush created a new cabinet post, Department of National Amnesia, naming Karl Rove as Secretary of Amnesia.
“He gets things forgotten as fast as anyone I know,” said Mr. Bush, fondling Rove in a grapple. “And this is an appointed position so I don’t need no confirmation from no goddam Senate and their mendelson ways.”
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